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Roses and Alligators: Choices for Healthy Conflict Resolution

By Kerry Clarensau

Everyone fails, and even the most devoted Christ-follower makes mistakes. If you are in relationships with people made of flesh and blood, you will be disappointed and even hurt. But we shouldn’t be surprised—the Bible teaches we are all sinners and we all make mistakes. Author Dee Brestin states, “We need to mature to the point where we realize that while it is important to love and cherish our friends, our dependence should be in God alone—for only He is without sin, and only He will never let us down.”

Conflict is a part of our human existence, but we are responsible to wisely choose our response when we are hurt. The easiest and most natural reaction is to get angry, bitter and hurt back. But this cycle leads to brokenness. In The Friendships of Women Workbook, Brestin shares healthy strategies for dealing with conflict. She likens Christian women to roses—beautiful, yet not without thorns. According to Brestin, we have two healthy options when we’ve been hurt by a friend:

1. Overlook the offense in love—“Love covers a multitude of sins” (Proverbs 10:12, Proverbs 17:9, James 5:20, 1 Peter 4:8). Take time to look at each of these references and realize that many offenses can be simply overlooked in love. In some relationships, there is much unnecessary conflict over petty issues. Brestin says, “When a rose gardener is jabbed by a thorn, she realizes the rose had no personal animosity toward her but was simply born with thorns. We’d be wise to see people that way.” We can learn not to take offenses personally.
2. Confront in love—“Speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15, NIV). The only pure motive for confronting during a conflict should be the desire to restore relationship and bring resolution. If the motive is to simply point out the offense or to hurt back, it is better to overlook the offense in love. If someone has to win, then someone has to lose, and this is extremely unhealthy in any relationship. The desire for restoration should always be the motive for a confrontation.

Brestin shares that while some people are roses, others are “alligators.” The scriptural illustration she uses is that of King Saul in his relationship with David (1 Samuel 15-26). Saul was full of jealousy and rage toward David. From David’s response, we learn there is only one way to handle conflict with an alligator:

Forgiveness and flight. “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered” (Proverbs 22:24, NIV). David showed us how to respond is such a situation. He never treated Saul with contempt or returned the vicious acts he received from Saul. He always responded with respect, but he didn’t keep himself in the presence of one bent on doing him harm. He forgave and fled!

What great advice for dealing with conflict! Remember, conflict doesn’t mean that the relationship is broken, it simply means that human beings are involved. We always have the choice to respond in a mature, healthy way. We can simply overlook the offense in love or confront in love to restore the relationship. Or when dealing with an “alligator,” we can forgive and flee, all the while treating the alligator with respect.

For more insight into the relationships of women, I highly recommend Dee Brestin’s workbook, The Friendships of Women.

God has opened many doors for KERRY CLARENSAU, which have prepared her for her current position as Leadership Development Coordinator for the national Women’s Ministries Department. Kerry has served the Kansas District in different ministry roles and as national Missionettes Coordinator. Under her leadership the current Mpact girls clubs (formerly Missionettes) program was developed in 1998. She has also served as women’s pastor at Maranatha Worship Center in Wichita, Kansas, where her husband serves as senior pastor. She is a Bible teacher, writer, wife, mother and much more. Her role as pastor’s wife is instrumental in developing effective leadership resources for the local church.

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